SATIRE
Advice You Can Use
Q: Janice and Edward have been married for twelve years. They have two children. Edward is an accountant. Edward and Janice have sex once a week, on Wednesday night at 9:15. Sex lasts for three minutes — until Edward comes. Then Edward falls asleep. Janice has tried wearing provocative clothing, has hinted about foreplay and has read aloud pertinent Cosmo articles on this subject, but Edward refuses to help her reach orgasm. Is there a solution to Janice’s problem?
A: Yes — the new .44 magnum from Dan Wesson Arms, a snubby with plenty of firepower and admirable accuracy. Great…
All the Poop Songs
My pal Sharon just turned 50. We Boomers all know what that means. It’s Colonoscopy Time!
Colonoscopy! That fabulous 50th birthday present you give to yourself. Yes, it’s yucky. But it’s also necessary. (It could save your life.)
As kids growing up in the 50s, we joined the Micky Mouse Club. Now that we’ve hit the half-century mark — it’s time for the Colonoscopy Club!
Looking at a day filled with poop-inducing “cocktails,“ lots of clear fluids, and a million trips to the bathroom, Sharon decided to have a little fun. She needed some distraction. …
Humor
Everything You Need to Know
There’s nothing Medium writers enjoy more than reading stories about writing on Medium.
The platform is teaming with “My Year on Medium” and “My Month on Medium” and “My Twelve and a Half Weeks on Medium” posts in which writers enthuse about their fabulous stats and brag about their earnings.
Or kvetch about their dismal stats and lament about their crappy earnings.
Either way, these posts are ridiculously popular. So I figured I’d jump on the bandwagon and post about “My Last 10 Minutes on Medium.” Why? So that you can all learn from my experience. (That’s why everyone says…
What You Probably Don’t Know About Library Life
A while back, a man took a dump in the stairwell at a local library. That act, and his exit from the building, were both captured by the library’s security cameras. The local police circulated footage of the perp leaving the library and asked the public to help identify him.
It’s safe to say that the public was shocked and horrified by what he did. It’s also safe to say that nobody who has ever worked at a public library was surprised.
What this man did is a fact of library life, which was reflected in the comments of librarians…
So How Did That Work Out?
Twenty-two years ago I left the practice of law to take a job at my local public library. Although nobody but my sister and my Aunt Lucille applauded that career switch at the time, it turned out to be the right choice.
For two decades I looked forward to going to work every day. How many people can say that?
Then, last year, my library cut me loose because, at 66, I refused to work with the public during a pandemic.
Suddenly, the job I loved was kaput. But, as the saying goes, when a door closes, a window opens…
Fun With Social Media
A writer I’d never heard of recently sent me a snarky tweet because she’d just learned that her book and one of my books had the same title.
She tweeted an image of my book’s cover to me with the question, “Did you come up with this title yourself?”
The Charge
At first, I was really confused. Why was she asking me this question? Then I checked her Twitter feed and realized that she thought that I’d stolen her book title and was calling me out about it!
Two of her followers quickly joined the fray.
“How complete tacky of her,” one…
And I’m One of the Lucky Ones
I know several seniors who were scheduled to get vaccinated, but didn’t end up getting their shot. Everything was good to go — until the facility ran out of vaccine.
My pal Marcy drove for an hour to get to her appointment. Just as she was pulling into the hospital parking lot, the hospital texted to say the appointment had been cancelled.
So I knew that the fact that I was scheduled to get my second shot at 2:30 on Thursday at the Rite Aid on City Avenue didn’t mean that would necessarily happen.
Especially since a big snowstorm would…
What Have I Done With My Life So Far?
I’ve written for everyone from the Funny Times to the New York Times and have appeared on both the Today Show and Morning Edition.
I’m the author of two collections of humorous essays about library work, Our Bodies, Our Shelves: A Collection of Library Humor and Just Another Day at Your Local Public Library (either of which would make a great gift for your favorite librarian or other bookish person.)
I’m also the editor of the ground-breaking (and now mostly out-of-print) Women’s Glib humor collections, including titles like Men are From Detroit, Women Are From Paris and When Cats Talk…
Will You Find Your Soul Mate in the Stacks?
An article I was reading about how to find a date includes this tip: “Go to the public library and cruise the shelves for smart singles.”
Having worked in a public library for many years, I had my doubts about this advice. I logged onto Facebook and asked my fellow librarians: Is your library a good place to look for love?
The first comment I got wasn’t encouraging:
Let’s see. When it comes to our regulars, I can choose from Ranting Political Guy, Porn Viewing Guy or Russian Mail Order Bride Guy. No thanks.
But the next response was more…
Think Again
I am a writer, but I’m also an editor.
For decades, I’ve worked with writers to improve and publish their prose. (I’ve also edited over a dozen anthologies, for a number of different publishers.)
I’ve worked with beginning writers and accomplished writers, and every kind of writer in between, on projects ranging from 500-word humor pieces to 500 page novels.
Here’s what I’ve learned — every writer can use a good editor. Whether you’re a beginner or a pro, your work will always get better if you work with a good editor.
Writers sometimes sound me out about taking them…
Roz Warren
Writing Coach/Medium Sherpa Roz Warren(https://muckrack.com/roz-warren) (roSwarren@gmail.com) writes for everyone from the New York Times to the Funny Times.
