The Evolution of the Phone Call

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Photo by Vinicius "amnx" Amano on Unsplash

When I was growing up in the 1960s, our home had a phone. It wasn’t called a “land line.” It was called “the telephone.” It wasn’t a smart phone. It was an imbecile. It didn’t have call forwarding. Or call waiting. It couldn’t take messages. And there was no caller ID.

When the phone rang, you actually had to answer it to find out who was calling.

If you wanted to talk to a friend, you dialed her number. If she was there, she picked it up and said “Hello.” …


Who Thought That Was a Good Idea?

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Naked Mary. (Imagine captured from Twitter)

The world’s first-ever memorial to Mary Wollstonecraft, the “mother of feminism” was unveiled in London this week, more than 200 years after her death. The sculpture, by British artist Maggi Hambling, was met with criticism for depicting a naked female figure.

Not just any naked female figure. A young, thin, toned, naked hottie.

Wollstonecraft was an important philosopher and educationalist best known for A Vindication of the Rights of Woman, published in 1792.

Honoring this serious 19th century thinker with a naked titty statue?

Whose idea was that?

Why, Maggi Hambling, the artist who won the competition to create the sculpture. Which, according to the artist, “personifies a spirit,” and “is a clear contrast to the countless sculptures of stuffy men placed on lofty pedestals.” …


But There He Is Anyway

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Photo by Paul Hanaoka on Unsplash

I’m eating at my friend Amy’s house when one of her cats leaps up onto the dining room table and begins sauntering across its surface, heading toward my salmon.

“Bad kitty!” says Amy half-heartedly. “You know you don’t belong on the table.”

Which is total bullshit.

As far as Amy is concerned that cat belongs everywhere.

And he knows it.

But Amy is a good hostess. She knows that — inexplicably — I don’t want her darling’s adorable paws poking at my plate, so she picks him up and returns him to the floor.

But I’m not fooled. When I’m not there? He’s welcome on the table. …


And Ends Up With His Own Hashtag #MeToobin

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(Toobin was not wearing this shirt on the call. Or was he?) Photo by Womanizer WOW Tech on Unsplash

In case you’re wondering about the hashtag #MeToobin, it’s about the fact that highly respected legal analyst Jeffrey Tobin was just caught with his pants down — literally.

According the news stories, Toobin “exposed himself” during a work-related Zoom call. In other words? The man was masturbating.

During a work call.

Eew.

I’m trying to imagine exactly how that went down. A bunch of elite New Yorker writers are brainstorming about the upcoming election. “Does anyone here have a point they’d like to make?” asks editor David Remnick.

“I do!” says Toobin. “Look everyone! I’ve got a dick!”

It might not have happened like that. Toobin claims that he didn’t think the camera could actually see him burbing the worm. …


HUMOR

Advice for Aspiring Writers

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Photo by Victoria Strukovskaya on Unsplash

Published writers will tell you that the most important thing you can do as a beginning writer is to know your markets! So this month, we’ll talk about two of the markets open to you and your riveting but as yet unpublished prose — Fling Magazine and Clubhouse Magazine.

Fling describes itself as “a sex-type publication for young males 18–34 who like photos of very busty young models.” What kind of writing does Fling need? “Material dealing with sex in combination with busty females.” …


Quick Laugh

A Stock Photo Back Story

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Photo by Maria Teneva on Unsplash

This nun just realized that God doesn’t exist and she’s spent her entire life in a wimple for absolutely nothing.

Not only that, but this photo is being taken by an anti-nun drone that’s about to take her out.

( Writing Coach and Medium Sherpa Roz Warren writes for everyone from the Funny Times to the New York Times, has been in 13 Chicken Soup for the Soul collections, and is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: Library Humor . Drop her a line at roSwarren@gmail.com.)


Quick Laugh

A Stock Photo Back Story

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Photo by Les Anderson on Unsplash

She asked for a nice cup of hot tea with a scone and instead the waiter brought her a cold beer.

And when he comes back she’s going to throw it right in his face.

Just because her lipstick and nail polish match, he probably thinks she’s a lady, and ladies don’t throw food at you when you fuck up their order.

Boy is he in for a surprise!

( Writing Coach and Medium Sherpa Roz Warren writes for everyone from the Funny Times to the New York Times, has been in 13 Chicken Soup for the Soul collections, and is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: Library Humor . Drop her a line at roSwarren@gmail.com.)


Reading

Are Magazines Doomed?

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Photo by Les Anderson on Unsplash

I love magazines, which is why I am sad that they’re doomed. How do I know they’re doomed?

I’ve read about it, of course. In magazines.

Not only that, but for years I processed the incoming periodicals at the library where I work, which means I could actually see them dwindling before my eyes. What once were fat monthly issues became alarmingly thin. Monthlies increasingly resorted to publishing double issues. New York, always my favorite weekly, now comes out every other week.

And once-loved titles are folding like crazy. Gourmet! Ladies Home Journal! Spin! All gone.

Growing up in the ’60s, who could have imagined a world without magazines? No Life? No Look? Unthinkable! Magazines helped teach us to read. And explained the world to us. The Kennedy assassination? The first moon walk? We watched them on TV. But magazines helped us understand. …


Pandemic Life

Are You Displacing Your Rage in the Age of COVID?

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(NOT Karen’s cake.) Photo used with permission of the Night Kitchen Bakery.

My friend Amy owns a bakery that specializes in custom cakes. Her cakes are exceptional. Fabulous. Each one a work of art. A customer, lets call her Karen, recently ordered a cake for her 50th birthday.

On the day of the party, Karen’s husband came to the bakery, picked up the cake, paid for it and left.

End of story?

Alas, no.

Several days later, Karen phoned the bakery to complain. “You ruined my birthday,” she told Amy. “I hated the cake!”

“I’m so sorry,” said Amy. “What was wrong with it?”

“The design was messed up!”

“What was wrong with the design?” …


Quick Laugh

A Stock Photo Back Story

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Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

She isn’t.

She’s learning sign language and she’s not very good at languages and she thinks she’s saying “Hello, Friend!”

( Writing Coach and Medium Sherpa Roz Warren writes for everyone from the Funny Times to the New York Times, has been in 13 Chicken Soup for the Soul collections, and is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: Library Humor . Drop her a line at roSwarren@gmail.com.)

About

Roz Warren

Writing Coach/Medium Sherpa Roz Warren(https://muckrack.com/roz-warren) (roSwarren@gmail.com) writes for everyone from the New York Times to the Funny Times.

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