I can’t take it with me. So I’m spending it here.

My swimming pool. (photo courtesy the Lafayette Park Hotel & Spa)

As somebody who loved Kay Thompson’s Eloise books, about a little girl who lived at the Plaza Hotel, I’ve always wondered what it would actually be like to live at an upscale hotel.

Now I know. I’ve been living at the Lafayette Park Hotel & Spa, a luxury hotel in California’s East Bay, for the past two weeks, and I can confirm that dwelling at a high-end hotel is pretty damn sweet.

I live in the Philadelphia suburbs. My son and daughter-in-law and three grandsons recently moved to Lafayette, California. …


HUMOR

So What Is He?

Photo by ActionVance on Unsplash

The FAA just ruled that Jeff Bezos is not an astronaut. Why? Because he didn’t actually pilot the Giant Dildo that blasted him into space — he was merely a passenger. But if Bezos isn’t an astronaut, what exactly is he? When I asked my friends how best to describe Bezos, they suggested:

Ballast

Dildonaut

Waste of Space

Major Tomfoolery

Astro-Dilettante

A man who boldly went where Richard Branson went last week

AstroNOT

Spacehole

Tourist

Space Putz

Tax-Avoiding Billionaire Space Bozo

Commander Dickwad

Rocketman Ridiculous

Spaceman Schmuck

And my favorite?

Ex-husband of philanthropist MacKenzie Scott

Do you have a better…


CRIME HUMOR

A Very Philly Homicide

Photo by Dan Mall on Unsplash

Paul Burkert, 36, of Reading, PA has been charged with murder after fatally shooting David Padro, 23, of Camden, New Jersey, while waiting in line at Pat’s King of Steaks, Philadelphia’s iconic cheesesteak shop.

And if that weren’t enough to make this a uniquely Philadelphia homicide, it was an argument about football that led to the shooting. Philly sports fans pride themselves on their crazy rude behavior. (They famously booed and threw snowballs at Santa Claus in 1968.) The two men had been arguing about the Philadelphia Eagles and the New York Giants.

Soon after the shooting, Burkert turned himself…


DEATH

A Dead Deer Brings out the Philosophers in My Suburban Neighborhood

Photo by Stefan Brechbühl on Unsplash

It started with this post on my online neighborhood bulletin board:

Hi neighbors! Sadly, a deer wandered into our yard and passed away under a tree. Does anyone have a private removal service they can recommend? Thank you.

Another neighbor quickly responded with a referral. Was the conversation over? Nope. It was just getting started. First there was a little back and forth about police work:

Call your township’s police department.

The police do not remove dead deer. That is obviously not a law enforcement function.

Then the original poster updated us:

The removal service came and took the deer…


MEDIUM HUMOR

A Deer Gets Lucky — And You Are There!

Photo by Muhammad Sinan on Unsplash

I was looking for a photo to illustrate a fairly dry article about the fact that the Pennsylvania legislature is thinking of raising revenue by taxing all the packages being delivered to resident’s porches.

I put the term “Amazon package” in Medium’s photo search engine and got a bunch of perfectly appropriate images. Like this one:


HUMOR

My Favorite Lines from Recent Online Dating Profiles

Photo by Pacto Visual on Unsplash

After several years of reading online dating profiles and meeting men for coffee, staying single is looking better and better to me. But I’ve stayed on Match.com, in part for the pure enjoyment of reading what men choose to say about themselves when trying to attract a partner. For instance? Here are a few of my favorite lines from men’s online dating profiles:

Touch is important. What adult beverage shall we share?

Life comes one day at a time whatever we do.

It takes a special woman to appreciate what I have to offer.

My professional life seems to have…


HUMOR

Now I’ve Seen Everything

Pot Drop at O’Hare. Photo by author

While walking through O’Hare airport to get to a connecting flight that would take me back to Philly, I came upon something I’d never seen before.

An official City of Chicago Cannabis Amnesty Box.

It was a large green metal container, labeled Cannabis Amnesty Box, with an official-looking City of Chicago seal, sitting quietly amidst the bustle of the airport stores and boarding areas and eateries. A quick Google search revealed that these boxes had been installed at O’Hare so travelers wouldn’t get into trouble for transporting their legally acquired pot between state lines.

Naturally , I took a photo…


It Depends on Who You Ask

Photo by Silvestre Leon on Unsplash

(This essay was written before I lost my library job and is included in the non-bestselling book Just Another Day At Your Local Public Library)

The library where I work just received an irate letter from a patron who complained that we weren’t quiet enough, citing crying babies, ill-behaved children and library staff talking too loudly with patrons and with each other. Because I’ve always thought of my workplace as a happily bustling place rather than a too noisy place, I logged onto Facebook, where I shared my story, then asked my fellow librarians, “Do you work in a quiet…


HUMOR

Our fearless leader’s latest post inspires countless coffee comments

Photo by Jocelyn Morales on Unsplash

Ev Williams recently posted a short piece in which he shared his thoughts about the transition from working at home to working in an office.

Like?

Offices are cold.

He misses the outdoors.

Moving around is good for your brain.

Readers posted thoughtful responses to Ev’s observations about office temperature and video conferences. But the most passionate and engaged comments weren’t about these things. Instead, they were responses to Ev’s conclusion that “the coffee at home is better.”

Most Mediumites agree with Ev. And we had plenty to say about it.

Hell yeah it is.

Always.

You know what you…


RELATIONSHIPS

Why he’s not getting a card from me.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Five years ago, I learned that the man I’d love and trusted for twenty years had a secret girlfriend for over a decade.

I kicked him out, changed the locks and got a good therapist. With the support of family and friends, I got on with my life.

Although I vowed to never set eyes on Mike again — and I’ve kept that promise — we have spoken on the phone. At first, it was because I needed to learn what had actually been going on during the years we’d been together.

In a nutshell? He was a dishonest, unreliable…

Roz Warren

Writing Coach/Medium Sherpa Roz Warren(https://muckrack.com/roz-warren) (roSwarren@gmail.com) writes for everyone from the New York Times to the Funny Times.

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